Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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