If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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