I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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