Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
