dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
