I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
