but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
