You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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