I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
