I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
