we made out on top of his cat.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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