It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
