You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
