my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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