On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
