How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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