I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
