Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
