I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
