Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
