based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
