I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
