she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
