My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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