I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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