Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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