Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
