the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
