I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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