my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
