im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
