OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
