all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
