My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
