As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
