I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
