sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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