If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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