my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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