I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I puked a lego.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
