Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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