I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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