when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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