one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
