whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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