why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
