And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
