Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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