listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
