Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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