worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Life is so much better after having sex.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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